I felt like drawing on my face today. I don’t know how that happened. I just had the idea and I rolled with it. And it was fun. I tried to pair the outfit with the drawing too, and it feels really, there’s something that I feel connected with like the flowers and the plants and the stars and the little like mountain skyline on my forehead. Like it’s like these, this illustration landscape that is like on my body that I feel like connected with nature and in the world in a way. like putting that close to you, you know? I’m sitting here smiling while I record this audio. It’s cool.

Thanks for taking in my work, and hope you’re having a wonderful day : )

—Todd

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This is me waking up. I'm tired. I feel worn out, but I got a full 8 hours of sleep.

I'm viewing everything as a problem. Maybe I shouldn't view everything as a problem and just say, it's okay. Like, I'm moving and doing my thing.

And what if I'm on the path that I need to be on? Huh.

Thanks for checking out my art/writing work and hope you have a nice day!

—Todd

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Is he living a life he doesn’t want to be living?

No.

He wishes he could do more steady writing and create in ways that aren’t so much reaching out about this event or that event.

(By the way, his collage art is in a show in Chicago starting this coming Monday [actually tomorrow, I wrote the beginning of this essay two days ago]:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZIqyRySTxw/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

This Mon [actually tomorrow] is the opening. June 28th, they’ll be a second opening, and the art will be hanging up in the bar till August 10th).

It’s not like he wants to be sitting behind his typewriter all day working on his novel for stretches of days in a row. Sounds well and good, but he gets into it, and he burns out, wants to do another kind of art.

This man doesn’t know what he wants right now. He knows after breakfast, he’ll get his work set up in frames for the show. Later, he’ll check out a store to look for a garment for his part in a burlesque show on the 14th. All while remaining in touch with people over the phone.

He thinks finding peace with this might be about focusing on the life in front of him, the life that he can see two days in front of him — other than when he’s traveling of course — and go from there but even with traveling changing up things on the fly can be needed; the unexpected happens.

He feels he’s constantly looking to other ways of life or other activities. It’s the overwhelming overabundance of choice. Life in capitalism and the United States seems to be constantly throwing us things that are new and shiny to step into, or old and nostalgic to be returned to. With these things/areas of interest, it can be easy to say I want this instead of what I have when one doesn’t know what this new thing/nostalgic thing will really be like. But we know what it’s like to be doing what we’re doing right now.

This man is getting ready for that burlesque show. He’s getting ready for his art to be in the show next week. He’s collaborating on an art project that’s monthly at a local bar. He’s writing regularly online and sewing/customizing clothing and making collages.

Does he really need to drop what he’s doing? Or change up what he’s doing? He doesn’t think he’s fully appreciating where he’s at right now. Yeah, he’s happy with where he’s at. He likes this.

This grass is greener on the other side place he sometimes finds himself reminds him of the Joseph Campbell lectures he’s watching.

In this video, Campbell talks about the Buddha’s journey on a raft to break free from suffering. Campbell transposes the story to a modern person being fed up with their life in Manhattan and seeing New Jersey on the other side of the river. Once they take the ferry boat though, they can’t return. They have to stay in Jersey. They decide to take it.

A tangent (or is it?):

Speaking of ferry boats, this man, he did a tarot reading recently. He asked the cards, “How can slowing down for me lead to happiness and abundance?”

The deck provided him with this card:

He likes Rachel Pollack’s interpretation of Six of Swords from her book, “Seventy-eight Degrees of Wisdom”:

*Ferryboat at twilight, carrying shrouded figures to a wooded isle, suggests spiritual journey of great silence — Charon (the ferryman of the Greek underworld) carrying the dead across the River Styx. Can indicate mourning, quiet passage through difficult time.

*Swords, light; they do not weigh down the boat. “As we have adapted to our troubles they will not weigh us down.”

*functioning in difficult situations without attacking the problem. Mourning that’s gone on for years, that a person’s felt for so long but no longer gives him power.

*The black oar —>potentiality —>nothing final has happened, all things have remained possible

Images on drawn cards often include the question instead of answering it. The journey may not be about finding happiness and abundance but might be about slowing down and accepting troubles and pain.

Leads back into what Campbell arrived at.

Modern man (Campbell depicts the modern person as a he/man) once he reaches Jersey experiences rapture. The arrival. The this is it feeling, I’m here (for me, I think of when I’m starting a new project or when I first learned to sew — this is so cool excitement, wide-eyed newness), but one quickly finds challenges and cannot escape suffering. The path remains difficult. Jersey may be their new path, but it’s still difficult. No matter, they must trudge and carry on. (This, Campbell refers to as “little ferry boat Buddhism” or Himayana [what’s now considered Theravada Buddhism]). This approach I believe most closely resembles the Six of Swords and Pollack’s interpretation. There’s a carrying on through difficulty about that card.

But Campbell goes on. Modern man once in Jersey and after experiencing rapture, realizing Jersey might not have been what he expected it to be, decides to turn around to look at from whence he came. There’s the Manhattan skyline in all its glory like a spectacular, glorious promised land. But he remembers the pain he suffered there, and the path he’s chosen in Jersey.

Jersey’s difficulty is very similar to the difficulty he experienced in Manhattan. The duality between Jersey and Manhattan dissolves. He transcends duality and taps into non-duality. He sees the likeness in the multiplicity of all things in the universe and is able to participate in life, suffering, happiness, sorrows with energy and aliveness. Life to him is discipline in enjoyment and to bring a joy everywhere he finds himself. Playing one’s part in the play of life and doing so more than willingly.

Campbell goes on to compare the Buddha’s journey on a ferry boat to Christ’s journey.

Just as the Buddha transcends into the joyful participation in the world, so does Christ, “in his love for the world coming to be crucified participating in the crucifixion.” Campbell’s reading of the imitation of Christ: “The joyful participation in the sorrows of the world.”

These ancient myths and religions repeat similar narratives and similar messages. To me they’re saying that there are paths out of the inactivity, despair, and fear responses that might come out an overabundance of choice. (I was feeling my fear response of flight there — impulse to drop everything.)

I think there’s validity and helpfulness to all the paths highlighted, but since I’m specifically working with the Tarot and going to that more for my own spiritual journey, I am following its guidance.

“functioning in difficult situations without attacking the problem”

and

“nothing final has happened, all things have remained possible.”

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He watches the Indianapolis 500 car race, and he wants to buy an old car, like a ‘66 Corvette Stingray, learn in-depth all about mechanical engineering, and in light speed, be able to repair said car whenever needed.

The electric ending of this year’s Indianapolis 500:

But then, he’s like, “I don’t just want to own old cars and repair them. That’d be cool, but I want to do many things.”

He’s currently writing an erotic novel, and he imagines himself as a well-accomplished, critically acclaimed erotic novelist. The novel would not only excite pleasure in its readers but would intellectually engage and ask questions, a sleazy piece of smut that, at the same time, would be a literary, poetic achievement. He’s three chapters in, been writing it for a year.

Here’s the beginning of the first chapter:

Currently, he’s writing three chapbooks and an artist’s book/collage journal that he’s designed and hand-bound. Working on these four books, he thinks of himself as an artist’s book artist tapping into physical material art objects, encouraging himself and others to gravitate to the tangible, to the in-person experience of art, writing, and reading. Here’s where he’s at with his current artist’s book:

He could make a career out of making artist’s books.

He could make a career out of writing erotic novels.

He could make a career out of repairing old cars (though he’s less certain about this one).

He could make a career out of mending, up-cycling, and customizing clothing.

He’s been customizing a denim jacket for the past six months, sewing patches of denim together, replacing the lapel, cuffs, and hem with patchworks of different colored denim. He had customized another denim jacket before this one, has mended pants adding vibrant stitching over holes and tears, and customized a bag and an apron. He could engage in this practice more for commission for other people. He could speed up the work, and he would have himself a steady business. He could see people praising the clothing repair work he does. The denim jacket just needs a few finishes:

Yet, he’s not interested in mostly doing clothing repair/customization.

He’s not interested in mostly writing erotic novels.

He’s not interested in mostly repairing old cars and driving them.

He’s not interested in mostly creating artist’s books and selling them/having them in galleries/museums.

When something strikes his curiosity/interest, he’s pulled. His curiosity and interest builds. He researches and reads about the area of interest.

He recommends the book by Kate Sekules titled Mend!.:

He recommends a sleazy literary novel by Jean Genet titled Our Lady of the Flowers.:

He recommends this book about artist’s books Masters: Book Arts.

But yeah, when he’s interested in something, particularly something that he was interested in as a child (as a kid, he hung car posters on his bedroom walls), that something grabs him. His curiosity grows. Fantastical narratives build. What if he was driving a cool classic car down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago? Wind from Lake Michigan blows in through open windows. The engine’s roar captures the attention of beachgoers. He gears up, and through the seat, feels the chassis rumble. From the rush of flying fast and free, he smiles.

Although with that said from the rush of wearing clothes he’s made, he smiles. He smiles when he’s in deep focus when writing creatively. He finds joy and happiness in his collage projects.

If he pursued every area he had an interest with the intense tenacity he’s capable of, he wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep.

Yet, if he pursued just one interest and made that his entire career, he wouldn’t be happy. He’s someone who’s happiest going from one thing to another then back to that other thing — having a job(s)/a career that ventures down different avenues and incorporates different threads.

At times he has difficulty engaging in different avenues of work though. The announcers of the Indy 500 praise the drivers; a stir originates in his body that urges him to be like them. Instagram feeds him a post of someone utilizing a DIY method to transfer images from comics onto fabric, and a similar stir festers. That video:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXiUCJ8AFMX/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Yes, he can make custom T-shirts, fully immerse himself into DIY up-cycling and clothing repair, and he could be a clothes-mender and tailor. After all, he needs to have a designated job title, right?

Do humans need designated job titles?

What if we didn’t have designated job titles? What would the world look like?

What if we gravitated toward what we truly want/need to do and without having job titles?

I don’t want to own a car (right now at least) nor do I need to. I don’t want to repair cars (even though classic cars and how they operate has infatuated me since I was a kid).

What is that feeling in my body that feels true to me and is less influenced by external stimuli? That’s that super strong yes, that passion that energizes my muscles and causes my bones and limbs to move.

My bones and limbs move toward self-care, the people in my life, and my current art and writing projects.

But . . . a man can still dream about his dream-car.

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Merriam-Webster defines it as:

noun: 1) wealth, stored up or hoarded 2) something of great worth or value

verb: 1) to hold or keep as precious 2) to collect and store up for future use

I gravitate toward the first definition of the verb form, particularly the word “precious”. Gosh, I sound like Sméagol from the Lord of the Rings:

“Precious” points to a monetary value, and there’s a thrill when stumbling upon something and knowing this is worth money.

But to me, “precious” includes more than money. Merriam-Webster defines “precious” as “of great value or price,” as “highly esteemed or cherished,” and as “excessively refined.” All of these qualities, I believe mix together to form a witch’s brew, a magical potion.

Something is treasure and precious when it’s a material object and exerts a gravitational pull on its subject/person and the person becomes transfixed. One could call this pull a spell.

We see this in Lord of the Rings. The ring is made of gold (monetary value). Sméagol and other characters like the Hobbits can’t stop searching for the ring; it’s rare and desired (esteemed or cherished). The ring was created by the Dark Lord Sauron in the Volcanic Mount Doom during the second age, and around it, is inscribed a script/language that is only of the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit worlds (excessively refined).

I think we can take the term “precious” further too. PBS’s website describes how appraisers on the network’s popular show “Antiques Roadshow” determine the monetary value of antiques:

Value can change: The value of an item is dependent on many things, including the condition of the object itself, trends in the market for that kind of object, and the location where the item will be sold. This is why the answer to the question “What’s it worth?” is so often “It depends.” (https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/roadshow/understanding-our-appraisals/)

Appraisers determine value by adding two things together: trends in the market for an item (is it “highly esteemed or cherished”?) and condition (is it “excessively refined”?). And this value might change based on where an item is being sold — I think of location as “setting” in a literary sense, location can point to date or time too, not only place. For example, I wonder if I could’ve sold that baseball card (in my previous post about collecting) for at least $300 at the time I found it? Knowing that is informative for the present.

An equation when determining value:

Esteem or Trend + Refinement or Condition = Value or Price

And then, we combine all of these qualities and multiplying each one by individual mystery signifiers “X,” “Y,” “Z” to determine whether an item is “precious”:

EsteemX + RefinementY + ValueZ = precious or not

If the solution of those three is a certain level, then the item is “precious.”

(I’m aware. This might sound like some Aleister Crowley magic, alchemy, numerology stuff. I’m playing and experimenting so don’t judge me. Or if you do, bear with me. This may work/be helpful. Plus, I like doing this numerology stuff.)

The “X,” “Y,” “Z” signifiers are specific to the individual who is determining whether the item is precious or not: the appraiser, the owner, the buyer, or the seller. How much emphasis does a particular individual put on esteem, refinement, or value? For example, let’s go to what I’m interested in collecting and possibly might go on to sell now. Paperback books and other paper ephemera.

One day a couple years ago, I walked into a used bookstore here in Chicago that no longer exists. (I’m thinking it was closed down due to fire code violations.) Books packed ceiling-high cases, some books on spines, some on their edges, others hanging from their sides. A customer could easily be hit by a toppling book when walking through an aisle. But I liked this store because I could dig and possibly find something reasonably priced I was interested in.

Smell of old paper and cardboard filled the space. From the Modernist literature section, I shuffled over to French literature and philosophy. Scanned the titles, spines, and covers, gradually noting each book and asking internally if I was interested. I specifically paused over books that looked old to me because generally, I like old things. I could take my time.

No strangers were hovering around me trying to look at the exact same spot, encroaching on my personal space like what sometimes happens in stores like this in a big city. (How I’ve grown to deal with this though is to let the stranger take my spot and then, come back when they’re finished. It’s rare that they’re looking for the exact same thing I’m looking for anyway. The old books/antiques collecting world is unique and specific in individual tastes. We/people forget this and sometimes let feelings of competition take over.)

But yes, my eyes happened upon a little yellow paperback that sat on its back cover on top of other books. Its title in read lettering with yellow background: The White Paper / The Naked Beast at Heaven’s Gate. Given my reading interests, I might not have noticed the book had the “Naked Beast” part not been there. I carefully grabbed it, looked at the front, back, its pages. Oh, the author I’d heard of, Jean Cocteau. I knew he was a French filmmaker and author but not much more than that. And the book was in absolutely pristine condition for being a thin paperback from 1968. No other dates on the copyright page too so this could’ve been a first American edition at least.

Inside, there were drawings too!

Even if I was overpaying for the book with its $15 price tag, I’d want to read it. Cocteau’s portion is about a character’s journey in finding out his sexuality and is a very open and strong expression of that sexuality. I might’ve found other items at the shop that day too. I checked out and when returning home searched for copies of the book that had sold on eBay. I remember seeing a comparable copy with this exact cover (there’s a pink cover one that seems more numerous and priced lower) that had sold for somewhere around $75. That feeling that came up with the McGwire card (from my previous Substack writing) arose again. Excitement, thrill, an electricity in my ankles started that made me want to jump. Even though in the big scheme of things, discovering something is worth $60 more than what one’s paid isn’t much, I still get a rush from that discovery. I think that reveals that my “Z” variable in the above equation might be fairly high. I admit; I like it when I find out something is worth money.

This item also reveals something about me in terms of a different variable. At home, I remembered Georges Bataille is a well-known French Modernist too and writer of erotic/obscene literature; I had read his obscene, other readers might say grotesque book Story of the Eye in undergrad. And that Pierre Angelique name? That’s a pseudonym for Bataille. This book contained a story by an author I’d been wanting to read, drawings by said author, and a story I hadn’t read by an author I had taken delight in reading — I enjoy writing and art that shocks and really goes against the grain. I wanted to read this book; yet, the risk I’d be taking in reading it.

Rare book collectors like books in better condition over ones that degraded, are torn, damaged, etcetera. The White Paper being an old pulp paperback, reading it I’d risk creasing the spine, tearing a page or two, cover shedding ink, but deep down to be honest, I really don’t care, outside of condition’s influence on the potential monetary value of an item, about the condition of a treasured vintage/antique object. I could find an old postcard, book, painting, and the object could be water-damaged and have dirt baked into it and a big part of me would hold that item and go, wow. It’s so cool. But then, I see what others would pay for it because of it’s condition, and I get disappointed.

The Y for me in the above equation (EsteemX + RefinementY + ValueZ = precious or not) is a lower number than probably some other peoples’.

I’m enjoying writing about these topics so I think I’ll be continuing these posts (the above one is definitely not finished).

I really appreciate you reading! Thanks for following and/or subscribing.

If you have any questions and/or comments, don’t hesitate to share too : )

Best and take care,

— Todd

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Looking forward and hope to see you there but no pressure too. Thrilled that my work and others’ (particularly about these kinds of themes) is getting out in the world. Also, excited about meeting other mad artists and/or artists who create work about madness. : ) 😆🖤

Here’s a description of the fair by the organizers:

This one-day event uplifts the creative work of artists living with psychiatric disabilities and mental health experiences, bringing together artists, organizers, and visitors to celebrate art that resists stigma, builds connection, and honors lived experience.


MadMade is more than a marketplace — it’s a gathering centered on inclusion, care, and cultural empowerment. Visitors can explore and purchase work from printmakers, illustrators, designers, and zine makers across screenprinting, linocut, risograph, etching, digital processes, and more. The fair highlights real people making real work — art that is beautiful, messy, joyful, angry, and thoughtful — work that sparks conversation and fosters community.


You can learn more about the fair and the panel discussion here.

The fair takes place at Access Living, Chicago (115 W. Chicago Ave.) on November 15, 2025, from 12–4:30 PM

And here’s photos of the book I’ll be selling:

Best and wishing you a beautiful Fall,

—Todd

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I’ll be reading at this event tonight at 7pm where I’ll be joined by several talented writers and bookmakers. Will be unveiling a new book at this event too. Come experience the primeval, sensual, and physical depths in our poetry.

Looking forward to the event, and wishing everyone a wonderful Halloween/fun spooky season!

Best,

—Todd

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This is just a general announcement.

Avondalia, a community art show at the Arts Colony (2630 W Fletcher St, Chicago), is coming up on October 3rd (5pm-9pm central) and October 4th (11am-5pm central), and some of the work from my sculpture in the park series will be in the show. There will also be work by many other local Chicago artists, and I invite you to the show, connect with community, and experience/see great quality art.

Here are the flyers, and you’re welcome to visit for more info. My instagram too is @toddevansartist if you’d like to see what I mean by sculpture in the park series.

Looking forward!

Sincerely and best,

—Todd

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Lack of sleep was due to making erotic-themed collages before going to bed. Here’s one:

Lack of sleep was also due to an idea I had relating to the interest I’ve been fostering in selling used books. Oh, I could first start an Instagram page where I show a book from my collection and then pair that book with a poem, small story, or a small work of art that’s inspired by content of said book, inspired by the book’s cover, or inspired by anything related to that book.

I had been thinking of starting a bookstagram — a page where one posts photos of books and gives a short review, analysis, summary, and/or unique fact about the book or author. But the review, analysis, summary, and/or fact part didn’t intrigue me enough to start one. Then, this idea! Yes, I’ve already made writing and art inspired by books. I would enjoy this. It’s also social media posting where I’d feel less self-conscious because I’d be posting art that’s less personal than this kind of writing (haha) or some of my writing about mental health. I may feel less affected by the posts receiving a low number of views or attention, and therefore; could go on with it at a fairly regular schedule.

And for the past, well it’s been awhile, I’ve been collecting, buying, then selling and donating used, collectible, and rare books/paper ephemera (about three years ago, I didn’t know what ephemera means but now I find the word filled with meaning and so fascinating. Merriam Webster:

1: something of no lasting significance —> usually used in the plural

2: paper items (such as posters, broadsides, and tickets) that were originally meant to be discarded after use but have since become collectibles

I’ve heard the first definition, and it both bugs me and strikes my fancy that ephemera, the word commonly used in the antique world for paper items like postcards, tickets, broadsides, dollar paperbacks, etc. literally means without lasting significance.

Like people (including me) are attaching monetary wealth and sentimental value to items that are said to not have any lasting significance or at least once were said to not hold value/worth. What does that say about us as humans and how we put value on old/discarded objects?

But it also makes me think about how artists and celebrities pass away and sometimes they become more famous — like there’s less appreciation for something or someone when they are alive/thriving/in good shape/well as opposed to when it appears they have left this Earth or are leaving this Earth.

But why not have both? Appreciate the objects and people in the world in the present time but also those that are no longer with us or will be leaving us.

(Not equating objects to humans here.)

Okay, back to what I was saying, my collecting of paper probably started when I was 5 years old-ish. I collected baseball cards. Sitting in a circle on an outside patio of a friend’s house, we opened up binders full of cards, talked about our favorites and our favorite players. My favorite team and players at the time: Atlanta Braves, Chipper Jones, and Andruw Jones (No, they aren’t related.) We traded cards with each other. Through the years, I collected, went to different card shops and shows. I bought packs, opened them, sometimes was disappointed when not finding much that impressed me, and sometimes was super happy when finding an exciting card. One day, I bought a pack from Wal-Mart or Target or a place like that. (Maybe I used allowance or maybe I didn’t and my parents bought the packs.) This is what I found:

Sitting on my bed and flipping through new cards, I landed on this card. Consequently, my hand shook ecstatically. This was soon after the time when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled for who would hit the most home runs in a regular season and before McGwire openly admitted to using steroids and Sosa tested positive for the drugs.

I set the card down gently, afraid to bend its corners. I knew I might’ve won a lottery with this find because it includes a piece of game-worn jersey. I grabbed the thick tome that is Beckett’s Baseball Card Price Guide. Looked up “Topps 50,” “King of Kings,” and numbers on the back. It was listed. Its stats and value if I remember right; 1 of 50, and value at the time: $500.00. My whole body shook. I jumped up and down, might’ve said, “Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” With card in hand, ran downstairs to my mom. “Mom, look. Look.” My mom didn’t seem to understand why I was excited. “Yes. What is it, Todd?”

I explained. My parents eventually understood once I showed them the value in the book. My dad probably said one of his phrases that are sometimes helpful. Though he was excited for me, I do see him saying,

“Now, remember; it’s only worth what someone will pay for it.”

I rushed to place this card in a thin plastic sleeve and inside that a thicker plastic sleeve. Later, I purchased this hard plastic case with screws. (Near the bottom right screw, there’s a crack in the plastic. I was so intent on making the sure the card didn’t move that I cracked the case when screwing down.)

I wasn’t going to sell this card. Of course, it was guaranteed to accrue value, right? Not exactly. Here are the examples of it that have sold on eBay: 2001 King of Kings Mark McGwire . (When looking up values of collectibles/antiques/vintage items, it’s most accurate to go to sold listings — unfortunately, people try to sell things online for much higher than market values or sellers are just making honest mistakes and don’t know market values.) You’ll see the lowest the card has sold for is $6.50 and the highest, $12.99. And that’s with people bidding where sometimes prices increase because there’s more competition involved!

Why such a low drop in monetary value?

As mentioned above, Mark McGwire admitted to taking steroids. He and fellow players are thought of by many as cheaters, and consequently; their accomplishments are staying out of record books or have asterisks in record books. They haven’t been inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame, and for at least a long time, they won’t be.

And one could make the argument, the players who took steroids in McGwire’s were skirting the rules. Performance-enhancing drugs were banned in baseball as a rule in 1991, but effective league-wide testing and penalties for use did not begin until 2003. Jose Canseco, a six-time All-Star, has claimed 80% of players were using PEDs during the steroid-era 1994-2004, and Ken Caminiti, who had a 15-year career has claimed 50% of the players were using steroids though some think the figure is lower than than the above percentages.

(Where I found this info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doping_in_baseball , https://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/Steroids , https://www.espn.com/mlb/news/story?id=4366683 )

Regardless, many of the statistical accomplishments at this time were set by players who eventually tested positive and/or admitted to using the drugs. Not to mention, during this time, annual salaries were reaching $10,000,000. (https://sabr.org/research/article/mlbs-annual-salary-leaders-since-1874/)

What can happen when the powers that be decide to pay any one this much money? Or when we as a society are okay with people being paid $10,000,00 a year?

(I’m not just pointing to athletes here, of course. There are people earning/being paid much more than this, of course too.)

When I watch baseball today, I don’t hear the announcers refer to Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and others. Currently, Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge is setting home run records and so is the Mariners catcher Cal Raleigh. Yet, when announcers on TV put their records into context, they do not refer back to what was accomplished during the steroid era or if they do at all, it is in a punishing/shaming way. (Maybe I’m irritated about this because I want my baseball cards to be worth money, but whether that’s the case or not, I think I have a point.)

How do we treat what’s happened in the past, and do we shun those who made mistakes or decide to take a different road in life? What if we invited that history and those individuals in and tried to understand it and them? How could that better serve us and society?

The other reason why the above card has lowered so much in value is the jersey piece on the front of it. Nowhere on the card are the words, “Game-worn jersey,” or “authentic Mark McGwire jersey.” In fact, there are no words anywhere on the card even referring to the jersey. Today, among card-collectors and appraisers, it is a common belief that card companies during the early 2000s complicity inserted pieces of jerseys, bats, and other memorabilia into the cards that were not used whatsoever or were not used by the player on the card while buyers at the time believed these items were used by players, therefore; driving up interest in collecting and leading collectors to think their cards had a certain value and meaning. I tend to define this as a sort of scam. Here’s an article that gets into the nitty-gritty legal stuff to do with this: https://www.worthpoint.com/articles/collectibles/fake-game-worn-jersey-issue-problematic-sportstrading-card-manufacturers . Kids found jersey-cards in packs and were excited when believing they had a piece of a jersey used by one of their favorite players!

Yeah, so the jersey part of this card doesn’t enter into any of kind of monetary value. That’s moot.

So what to do with this card . . . there’s sentimental value. It brings up that feeling of discovery and finding treasure I had. I’ll probably hold onto it. Plus, millennials like me love nostalgia, liked watching McGwire and Sosa, and when millennials like me are in our 70s this card being worth more than it is now, especially if not many of these cards are around.

I’ll be posting more of this writing in more posts to come (will explore vintage erotic paperbacks and other ephemera) . . . stay tuned.

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it!

—Todd

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Last post, I feel like I was writing to people, with an audience in mind. I don’t really want to do that anymore. I’m going to try to just write down what usually comes into my head and onto the page and not think about others reading it. Write what I need to write.

What do I need to write? I need to write about and feel my feelings. I feel groggy. I feel irritated. I feel kind of pissed. I feel irritable and like a grouchy old man, despite being 35 years old. (Whatever, I guess I’ll consider an audience, a little here. I did like including the links in the last post and that if anything was for an audience. I need to remember though to make these posts shorter. First one, I got carried away. Kind of took up my whole day. Don’t want to burn myself out. I’m going to set a 45 min timer here for writing and then a 15 min timer for editing and posting after that.)

Okay, yeah so my feelings. Where are my feelings coming from? What part of myself?

(To explore how I’m feeling and move with those feelings, I’ve been using Internal Family Systems Therapy, https://ifs-institute.com/ . I’m going to do an exercise with it here, but using this model is not recommended unless one is seeing a therapist who is familiar with the approach. This therapeutic method is also kind of trippy and people may think of it as “out-there”. I like its “out-thereness”. It reminds me of some of the psychedelic psychology that arose in the 1960s with the guy who popularized LSD, Timothy Leary, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Leary and this book I read, Robert Anton Wilson’s Prometheus Rising https://selfdefinition.org/science/Robert-Anton-Wilson-Prometheus-Rising.pdf . Some would view Leary’s thoughts, Wilson’s, and even though Internal Family Systems, IFS, as pseudoscience, but even if they do, I believe that’s okay. I go by the direction of something doesn’t have to be true in order for it to be helpful, and I’ve found LSD (though I haven’t taken it since I was 22 years old and don’t plan on taking it again), Prometheus Rising, and IFS helpful in altering behavior and thinking towards connection, loving-kindness, and achieving one’s goals in life. There have been studies done on whether IFS is helpful for people too, and it’s been shown to improve mental health. Well, I think it wouldn’t be an approved therapeutic method unless that were the case.)

Okay, now let’s get to the exercise.

The part of myself that feels like a grouchy old man is kind of a grouchy old man. It’s a hermit character. He’s old with a patchy beard. Wears a long black cloak and a hood and sits in the corner of a room reading a book or writing in a notebook. The part wants to stay inside and hide from the world. When he goes outside, he gets irritated at other people taking up too much space on the sidewalk and not making room for him and others (though I do recognize my shoes and steps are very quiet and often people don’t hear me walking.)

Let’s have a conversation with this part.

What other parts of the self would like to talk with the hermit part?

What other parts of the self would the hermit feel comfortable talking with?

My spiritual guide part would like to talk with the hermit part. The spiritual guide part looks like a wizard, wears a long renaissance-style cloak, has long grey hair, a long grey beard, but unlike Gandolf has colorful clothes. (With IFS, one can use these cards: https://www.inneractivecards.com/introduction.html . There’s a card that looks like this wizard I’m describing. One could combine tarot cards with IFS I imagine. I’ve thought of doing this and may at some point. Tarot, another one of those “out-there” things. No, but using tarot towards mental health can actually be really helpful.) On the card, the wizard stands at the beginning of the path of a forest. I imagine reaching out to the hermit and asking if it would like to go for a walk and look at birds and appreciate nature? Hermit responds eh, whatever, I guess.

But let’s not forget. The wizard wants to bring someone else along. Wizard asks, before we go can I bring, a friend, the well-being/health part?

The well-being, health part appears as an image of the human body, similar to those images you see in PE or health class that show the organs and/or different muscle groups and bones. This part is the one that’s focused on the health and well-being of the self and guides the self to making solid decisions for both mental and physical health.

Hermit: I don’t know if I need it, but okay.

They walk down a path in the forest, birds chirping and flying around them. A rabbit scurries ahead. Squirrels run up and down trees, and the parts smell flowers and old wood. Below the path, a stream, and wizard leads them down to the stream. Wizard sits on a rock and puts feet in stream. Others join him.

So hermit, you feel grouchy, irritable, groggy, and feel like just staying in and not interacting with people?

Yes.

What do those feelings feel like? What do they feel like in your body? Where do they come up in your body?

To be honest, I feel them in my butt. There’s this weight in my butt that makes me just plop down, sit, and stay seated. There’s also this grogginess, weight that presses on my eyelids and closes them some.

That’s all okay, says the wizard. You can feel those feelings of weightiness and pressure to rest.

I know, but I don’t want to.

Wait, was that you, hermit? Or the “I know, but I don’t want to,” was that a different part?

(At this point, the mental/health well-being body part has just been observing, hasn’t said anything. I think it’s good its being present and observing. I like that.)

No, I didn’t say that.

Wizard: can we invite this other part, hermit?

I don’t like that it interrupted, but yeah, I guess. I kind of just feel like reading today.

You can read today but this work is important.

Health, body part comes in and says, tell you what, let’s take a pause, and eat breakfast. Sound good?

Yeah, good.

Good.

(A break here from writing. Eating breakfast, some good old-fashioned oatmeal.)

(Back from break, but wait, I lied. I was running low on oatmeal so I ate a banana, a little bit oatmeal, and a head cheese sandwich. Before trying head cheese, I didn’t think it sounded appetizing. Hell, it tastes so good, like a really good sausage! And what do you know? I ate head cheese and am writing about what’s going on in the head. Woah man, it’s all connected.

Jesus, haha, I’m so heady. Guess you are what you eat.

And I’ve surpassed my alotted 45 minutes for writing. With this exercise though, I don’t want to stop it and not get back to it until tomorrow. I don’t think that’d be good for me. It’d be good for me to tend to the self and the hermit part and doing that involves writing about my feelings.)

Wizard says, are you ready Hermit?

Yeah, I’m more up to it now after getting some food in me. Let’s invite that other part.

Wizard: so what’s this other part who said that you don’t want to feel the weightiness and pressure to rest? Are you out there?

Leaves in the bushes shake and a figure emerges. Hermit, wizard, and healthy human body have to peer closely to get any idea of this part. There’s a grey cloud hanging around it making it difficult to discern. Cloud dissipates little by little. The figure seems to be the artist part of the self. It wears glasses, carries a paintbrush, wears a paint-splattered apron, loose fitting clothing, but there’s something unusual about this part that hasn’t been there before or at least, it hasn’t been recognized as being present before. The artist’s hair is wild and sticky with muck. Its shirt is in tatters. It carries big bags under the eyes. The part keeps having to pull up its pants, and its shoes are open-toe shreds of material. (This part isn’t actually a physical reflection of me. It represents some of how I feel right now. Maybe this comment right here comes out of my own insecurity around looking unhinged or a mess. Hmm . . . And also not judging others who might present themselves similarly to this.)

Wizard: hi, artist-part. You’re welcome join us. Would you like to?

Yes, I’m down to talk.

Healthy human speaks, artist-part, what are you feeling?

I’m only interested in making and creating right now. I just want to do work. I have so much to create, express, and show the world.

That’s really good that you’re feeling that drive, and I applaud that, but I didn’t ask what you’re interested in and want to do. I asked what are you feeling? Maybe there are adjectives that describe how you’re feeling?

I feel amped up. I feel excited. I feel creative. I feel . . . the artist pauses, thinks. But I also feel heavy. I feel scared. I feel tired. I feel overworked. I feel like there’s pressure on me to do so much and make work that helps me and others, and to just keep on putting it out there and feel the rewards from it and gain recognition for it and to make a living from it, and all that pressure builds and builds, and then I become this emotional mess.

Wizard: you can feel that pressure and heaviness. Sit with it. Let it make you shake with fear and anxiety. You can slow down.

Yes, slowing down. That’s helping. Thank you.

Hermit in the meantime is laid out, taking a nap on a stretch of moss.

What are these feelings telling you, Artist? Are they telling you that you need anything?

I don’t know if right now they’re telling me I need anything. I am thinking it’s okay I look this way. Like I kind of take joy in wearing clothes that got some patches and threads dangling. I think the fashion world and society overall could go for the “unhinged” and “messy” look a little more. Maybe this is me embracing my wildness.

Sounds to me like you have things in common with the hippie and rebel parts. Could we invite them in? Wizard suggests.

Artist says yeah, I’m into that.

Rebel trudges down the path in big leather military-style boots like this:

(I drew the above sketch in 2024.)

And rebel sports this punk rock jacket:

(Upcycled, put patches on, and sewed designs onto this denim vest. May add one more thing to it at sometime — an embroidered bird that sits on top of the tree.)

The hippie part walks toward the group from underneath a tree branch. It has long hair, a smile, flowing paisley and flower-print clothes. It waves its arms while it walks and says, hello there.

Wizard says, hippie part, I wonder if you might be able to relate some to artist here. You’ve felt pressure to be a certain way and to do things and work constantly before. Am I right?

Oh, yes. How I live and want to live is very different than how much of society appears to live. I want to be in nature, in the woods, with plants and animals as much as possible. I believe in looking at how animals are living and taking lessons from them on how humans can build a more sustainable future and live in more connection with each other. This lifestyle and drive runs counter to how society seems to be moving right now. (Like I wrote in the previous post) It’s almost as if one cannot exist and put their ideas out in the world without embracing and utilizing technology and screens. Capitalism right now encourages us to move as fast as possible. To buy and consume and to spend less time with ourselves, with each other, and in nature. These outside, societal pressures sometimes distract me from doing what I need to: spending time in nature and/or feeling in tune and on a similar wavelength as the natural world.

Artist part says, oh yeah, thanks! I’m realizing this pressure is not so much coming from me and the self like I thought it was. I was beating myself up over that, but it comes from the outside world. Seeing how people receive rewards, recognition, publications, shows, and exhibitions for their work — not that that those things can’t be helpful. I think it’s just thinking about those things and money eventually coming from my work that focuses my attention on an end goal that doesn’t result in comfort, peace, and passion for what I do. I find love and passion in what I do when I think about the joy it brings me and the joy it could bring others. I find love and passion in what I do when I discover the surprise of the unexpected. I find love and passion in what I do when I’m making it and I know with certainty that it’s an expression of as much as of my self as I’m wanting to put into it.

Rebel speaks up, Fuck yes! I’m so for that. You got this, man, and I’m all by your side. Let’s create art for the reasons you described. Because you find joy in it. Because it might inspire others. Because it’s an expression of you. Hell yeah. And that just happens to be rebellious and going against the status quo. Let’s do it.

Hermit is a little disturbed by the rebel’s boisterous voice. He wakes up with a snore, turns over, and rolls his eyes.

Healthy human body — all this sounds beautiful, but let’s remember the whole self and the whole body today. Slowing down was helpful was it not?

Artist says yes, yes it was. Let’s remember that for the day. I think my needs have been met for now, but of course, this stuff may pop up from time to time.

Wizard: Great. Hermit, you’ve woken up. Do you know what you might need?

I need a hug from you all, all you parts, and then I’m going to take care of myself a little. I might save the grocery for tomorrow. I have plenty of food for now. May take a bath and will definitely go out for a walk into nature, at the park. And if I do any art, it’ll be something not super stressful, like hand-sewing, embroidery, or sketching. Reading sounds good too.

Healthy human body: Awesome.

And wizard says, let’s all come in for a hug.

The parts walk towards each other and give each other one big hug in the forest. The feelings have been felt, may still be feeling felt, and every part is able to move gracefully and together as the self. They leave the forest.

Time to say goodbye to this writing and focus on the rest of the day.

Bye, bye now.

Best and thanks for reading!

—Todd

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But yes, back to what I was saying, I’ve decided my life path is being a working artist and writer. That is and will be my means of income. I believe in my self fully. I believe in my art wholly and completely. I’ve received recognition for my work. I believe it can do so much good for the world, and I want it to be in environments where people can experience it and take it in that are supportive environments for it — where I don’t feel exploited, where the work is presented with a whole hell of a lot of care, and where part of the mission of the particular environment is community and connection. These environments can be art galleries, poetry readings, open mic variety shows, little shops, artist residencies, lecture spaces, generative workshops (but I want to work with others in this sort of space), art festivals, book publishers, an art salon, etcetera.

There’s this exercise that I learned from a class called The Science of Well-being (https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being). It’s called WOOP, and it stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and Plan (https://woopmylife.org/en/practice). Psychologists have carried out tests on people who carry out this exercise on whether they accomplish their wishes or not, and people have found success using it. (I’m still figuring out whether I’ve found success using it or not, but I like going to it from time to time. I believe in it.)

Wish:

To find an environment/community for my art and writing (in-person preferable but can be online) that showcases my work and others’ with the utmost care and leads to me and others making a living from our work

Well, apparently it’s best if the wish is written using 3-6 words:

Artistic community that provides and supports

Outcome:

Questions the exercise asks for this:

What is the best outcome? What would be the best thing, the best outcome about fulfilling your wish? How would fulfilling your wish make you feel?

The best outcome is if me and artist friends put on shows together, publish books together, hold readings together, show short films, hold cabaret/sketch/short play kind of variety shows together, do musical acts, do public art, teach classes/workshops, and whether we’re selling physical art at these events, like prints, paintings, collages, books, zines, customized clothing, photography, selling tickets to these events, or just taking up donations, the income from these events supports a modest living for every single one of us. The overall goal of the work wouldn’t be to make money, but I do believe as artists, we need to seek opportunity for income. These shows and the book/art distribution could take place in just Chicago and surrounding areas or if an artist has a van or something, we could travel. (I think watching The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus and the movie Chicago inspired in me the desire for this theatre/art troupe thing — I miss Heath Ledger, and Tom Waits is so cool in Dr. Parnassus as the devil character. Also, recently watched a documentary called Red Mole on the Road about a theatre troupe from New Zealand that traveled and did this sort of work from the 1970s through the 2000s https://www.nzonscreen.com/title/red-mole-on-the-road-1979.) I also wouldn’t need to travel, and we could all live in close proximity, co-op style, or we live separately and move towards each other when creating and putting on the exhibits/shows.

Fulfilling this wish, I’d feel joy. I’d feel supported. I’d feel creative. I’d feel inspired. I’d feel free.

I’d also feel challenged and possibly strained. Doing this kind of work could get exhausting and with teams and groups, there can be drama. So I might feel frustrated with that — not at all a reason to not seek it out though. Mental and physical health could be emphasized in the drawing up of the group’s priorities. Hmm . . .

Oh, “Note your best outcome in 3-6 words”:

Fully self-sufficient interdisciplinary artist group

“Now, take a moment and imagine the outcome. Imagine things fully.”

Maybe first event is just at an art studio or community space or something. We sit in a circle in whatever way people are comfortable, on the floor, in chairs, standing, whatever. I ask what kind of artists people are or what art people generally like. Other than age, (I’d like a group where we could discuss adult themes, intense psychological stuff, politics, etcetera.), I wouldn’t want really much of anything to be a barrier to participating. One wouldn’t need a background in art. They could just be interested. I believe anyone can make and appreciate art. But yeah, I try to get an idea of what artistic mediums people are into. If a lot of poets show up, maybe we do a writing exercise and a poetry reading or if there are poets, actors, burlesque performers, and comics, we do an improvised show of poetry, acting, burlesque numbers, and comedy. Or if people, are mostly quiet and want to keep to themselves, we just sit down and write and/or work on our own individual projects for the alotted time. I want the group to be flexible. Materials-wise me and other people I know or will meet can bring collage materials, paints, pencils, paper, pens. We could bring costumes, canvas, tripods, recording equipment, whatever we think might be helpful. Ideally, I’d like to orchestrate, host, facilitate the group with other people, but starting out it may be just me and one or two others.

I imagine the first event to maybe include a generative exercise. Some prompts are given. “Write a scene in a movie, play, or book where someone screams” for example. (Do I need to scream and that’s why I randomly came up with that prompt? By the way, I love this scene from Cabaret where Liza Minnelli screams while trains go by, best if started at the 0:45 mark, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTS-oPcblVo). Or maybe, we do the exercise I learned from the Writing through Senses class I took at the Art Institute of Chicago from Professor Amy England (https://www.saic.edu/profiles/faculty/amy-england). She divided us up in twos. Each student had a partner, and one partner closed their eyes. Amy set out an item in front of the students who had their eyes open. Item may’ve been an acorn or a feather or a marble or cotton ball or could be something small, pretty much anything. I think I received a cinnamon stick. Person without eyes open handed item to other student and student with closed eyes would describe the item in as many ways as possible without saying or guessing what the item actually was. They’d use as many of their senses as possible in describing the item but not use sight. So might smell and touch the cinnamon or feel the weight of marble. We wrote about this item but I could also see an artist painting this item using only the descriptions or making some sort of audio story about the item as a performance piece.

And yeah middle of the event, we generate work. Then, last third of the event we present our work to everyone present. (People could attend as artists or just as viewers/audience.) Artists would not need to present the work they generated in the event on the day-of. Could be anything that would fit in the alotted time.

The above is just one idea for an event with an interdisciplinary artist group. I imagined it fully : ) I’m open to whatever’s weird, improvised, different, rule-breaking, avant-garde, and has the goals of artistic freedom, community, connection, loving-kindness, compassion, and understanding for everyone involved. (Don’t want it to get culty though.) There’d need to be some way to make money with this too for the integral members to do the work full time.

Obstacle:

What is within you that holds you back from fulfilling your wish?

What is in you that stands in the way of you fulfilling your wish?

What is your main inner obstacle?

Pain holds me back from fulfilling my wish. Pain stands in the way of me fulfilling my wish. Pain is my main inner obstacle. Pain and shame. Or pain from shame? It seems when people say something that’s demeaning, harshly critical, or deeply questioning of my artwork and/or intentions of my work, I feel shame. I feel like I’m being made fun of. I return to that part of me who’s the 10 year old kid or thereabouts who was picked on or bullied, who other kids threw sticks and small stones at during recess. Who in high school was called gay, queer, and faggot for wearing flower print and paisley shirts. Who at 13 years old, turned green with faint during a sexual education class and consequently was made fun of. (This likely was the first time sex was talked about openly and respectfully in my life, and it was in a way that was very technical. Because of this, I was in shock, but as an adult, I also have come to like sex a lot so maybe there was a such a contrast/interplay of feelings here that resulted in intense overwhelm.) All in all, when I was a kid, my friends bullied me a lot and when I showed my full, most personal self, that’s when the bullying amped up. So when I show my full, most personal self, and I do so in my art, and it’s criticized, ignored, or my intentions are questioned, I feel discouraged, hurt, and ashamed. Like I’m less than. Like I’m not worth much as an artist. Like my gifts aren’t appreciated, and it takes a lot of support from others, my therapist, and encouraging self-talk for me to continue showing my art in general and/or continue showing the same project I was working on at the time of the criticism/feedback. There are also other factors that go into this psychological stuff outside of the history of having been bullied.

Side note, an after-the-fact addition: I also understand the response to ignore and/or cringe when someone overshares or shares something vulnerable, particularly someone who may not be super familiar. I blame the cringe impulse more on social conditioning and society at large. With this all said, I disagree with Brené Brown’s assertion that oversharing isn’t vulnerability. (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9108407-oversharing-not-vulnerability-i-call-it-floodlighting-a-lot). Brené Brown calls oversharing (sharing information that is very personal or a lot for the context of the conversation or could be considered too personal and open for the specific relationship) floodlighting, and floodlighting confirms our fear of vulnerability because often in response to it, the other person throws their hands up, says I can’t help, and walks away — dissolving connection. I don’t believe pointing to oversharing/floodlighting and saying don’t do this, is the answer. Oversharing/floodlighting is not the reason for disconnection. I believe people’s response of basically throwing their hands in the air and walking away is more of a reflection of society at large and not a reflection of the individual sharing the sensitive story. After all, I’ve shared with people I don’t know super well that I see a therapist, experience anxiety, and have experienced symptoms related to Bipolar Disorder. Some of those people have cringed, looked at me with shock, and turned the other way where other people have been curious, wanted to get to know me more, and were thankful that I shared that with them — increasing connection. People’s scales and opinions of what’s sensitive and personal range too; someone else may view Bipolar as a thing to keep quiet, to not talk about, and a weakness, whereas embracing my Bipolar diagnosis helps me feel the full range of human emotions, in essence helps me be more human and feel my feelings more. Sorry but not sorry, I’m going to talk about it and make art that includes it.

Overall, I think we as a society, at least the United States, need to get more comfortable and curious around sensitive personal narratives.

And the goal I think needs to be connection with who we want to connect with. Brown’s point on oversharing/floodlighting (though maybe useful to some) seems to be about connecting with as many people as possible. Despite Brown being a champion for the arts, I don’t think this take of hers really considers artists who make art that is deeply personal. Sharing deeply personal narratives for me feels vulnerable. If that’s oversharing, hell, whatever. This stuff needs to be written about and art needs to be made about it, and I am being vulnerable.

So the pain/shame from criticism/ignoring my work is the inner obstacle that holds me back from showing my art, but it also holds me back socially. If I feel I’m being ignored or people aren’t interested or curious in me in a social setting, even if I’m super interested and curious in said people in said setting, I get offended and frustrated easily and leave the social environment or just don’t engage. I may need to be more patient in certain social settings. But at the same time, I can remember what I wrote above. I do want to find artistic environments that support, provide for, and take great care of everyone present. Being there for those in a space is a part of this.

“Note your inner obstacle in 3-6 words”:

Pain/shame from how I interpret criticism and ignoring

or

Pain and shame

Now take a moment and imagine your obstacle. Imagine things fully.

At the beginning of the first event/happening of the artist group/troupe, I describe what the troupe is and my background. Maybe I share that my work revolves around mental health, naturalism, sexuality, poetry, sometimes absurd comedy, and more. Maybe someone asks what the novel I wrote is about, and I share. After that moment, someone leaves the room and doesn’t come back. I might feel offended by this. I might wonder why that person left. I might feel disappointed. I might feel discouraged. I might feel pain, and ultimately; shame that after I described a book I wrote and someone doesn’t want to join an artistic group I’m an integral part of. Shame that I’m not worthy of being involved in a group like this. Of even entertaining the idea. What do I do with these feelings? How do I move?

Normally, I would just try to ignore the feelings. I would turn my other cheek and keep chugging, going ahead with the rest of the loose itinerary for the day. The build-up of emotion would affect me though, and I’d be less enthused and show less enthusiasm during the whole event. Anxiety and nerves would amplify too, and I’d feel less confident.

Outside of biting down hard and trudging through, the other thing I do is run. Maybe after the person leaves I might easily get distracted/mentally escape, and the event could possibly lose any kind of structure or focus and become boring. Or possibly after that person leaves, it’s only me and two other people, and I take the avenue of what’s the point? And end the event there and then.

I don’t believe the above directions are the ways to deal with and move with the pain and shame of being judged, criticized, ignored, or uninterested in. Person leaves and I need to feel the pain that goes along the lack of someone’s interest. I need to slow down, take some sips of water, and sit down. Maybe I ask if we could have a five minute break. Maybe I ask for someone I know to facilitate the rest of day instead and I’ll just participate as an artist or maybe I ask a person I know to just take the reins for a few minutes. Or maybe I redirect the group. Internally, I say I need redirection and tending to these feelings. Maybe others need to tend to their pain surrounding others being critical or uninterested. I can come up with a writing prompt about what we feel when others aren’t that into what we do. Or we can just have a roundtable discussion on the best ways to share feedback with each other. There are options. I can fully feel what I feel, and I can ask for what I want and need.

Next step,

Make an if-then Plan:

What can you do to overcome your obstacle? Name one action you can take or one thought you can think to overcome your obstacle.

Well, above I already outlined what I could do in the moment to overcome the obstacle. But I do think fear and shame around criticism from others is a deep psychological thing I need to continue to work on. I’ll continue to work on it in therapy. Generally, I can build my self up as much as possible. Unless I ever get into manic territory, which hasn’t happened since 2016, I don’t have much to worry about in terms of arrogance or being self-inflated. My work is doing so much for the world. I built little sculptures in the park during the Spring this year. The shapes they took on, they flowed with the environment and birds and bugs flew around them. It was live in-public art too. People walked by while I made them. I wrote about my process too and that work I’ll be releasing at some point. The sculptures were encouragement for human involvement with the natural environment and a desire for comfortability with natural elements and impermanence.

There’s also the upcycled, customized clothing I’ve been working on. I taught myself how to sew using two different sewing machines. I’ve been embroidering by hand too, making a punk rock style vest and flare jeans with patterned fabric sewed on the edges.

I’m making collage too. Writing erotic collage poetry and making physical visual collage out of images of old erotic art — this I’m thinking I’ll turn to a book. But it’s not all about how much I’m doing. It’s about is it good? Is it doing what I want it to do? Does it accomplish its vision? I know I’m a good artist. I finish projects and am like holy shit, I made that! That’s affirming. It feels incredible too because I don’t see what the end is going to look like and be like till it’s there, and I know it’s the end. Like this jean jacket I customized (different one than the punk vest):

I at first thought I was just going to put a bunch of patches on it, but no. I sewed upholstery fabric around the ends and on the cuffs. Made little military straps out of the upholstery and sewed those on the shoulders. And added a few different buttons. The result is a jacket that definitely looks homemade, is kind of a queer circus, cowboy vibe, wearable at the same time, and is something totally different than what I set out to do. It’s an expression of me, my sexuality, my personality, an expression of uniqueness, and the different styles of clothes I’ve been exposed to — cowboys, Ralph Lauren, military, punk, queer, etcetera. I’m super happy with it. So deep-down satisfaction with my art has to come from me first and foremost and outside of that, it’s just about being with those folks with similar artistic visions, people who I support, get behind, and connect with, and feel support from those individuals for my work. Letting that build.

I also dropped a couple of my books off at some stores yesterday — you can find my paperback City of Coats at Unique Antiques in Chicago, In One’s Hand at Occult Bookstore on Milwaukee, and Gem: A Vintage Collective may decide to carry copies of City of Coats. It feels super cool that my books are being sold in stores and are physically immersed in the community here in Chicago.

One action I can take to overcome pain/shame from criticism/ignoring: I can feel pain/shame, listen to those feelings, and follow what they’re telling me to do/ask for.

One thought I can think to overcome obstacle: I am damn good at making art and I want to connect with others. — If things move in those directions, I’ll be where I want to be.

If, then plan:

If I encounter this obstacle, then I will do this.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I will feel those feelings and seek out what they need.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, then I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

If I encounter pain/shame from feedback, I’ll remind myself I am damn good at art, and I am connecting with others.

Woop! Woop! I’ve completed the WOOP! I think it was helpful. We’ll see.

I’ll leave with a teaser for the sculptures in the park project. I think they’re neat and get their point across especially since at a certain point, other people started to add to the sculptures and build their own too.

Best and thanks for reading!

—Todd

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I hope this update finds you well.

For the past six years, I’ve been writing a novel titled Epistolary 1A. The book has gone through many iterations, but at last, I am at a point where I feel very happy and confident about releasing it out into the world. I’ve designed the book and am self-publishing and printing it in physical form. Epistolary 1A will be available to purchase in my Etsy shop (ToddEvansHandmade) at 9am EST on January 8th, 2023. I’ll post a reminder via Substack and Instagram day before release too.

Here are photos of Epistolary 1A, the back cover summary, and its first five pages or so to act as preview:

Thanks again, and Happy New Year,

—Todd

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I’m excited to announce some fellow Chicago-area artists/writers and I have come out with a new issue of The Prairie Review, A Grassroots Magazine of Prose, Poetry, Art, and Criticism. Included in the magazine are two critical essays I’ve written and an excerpt from Hermit Thoughts, the longer poetry project I’ve been working on.

The Hermit Thoughts excerpt is new, one that has not appeared yet in my other Substack or on Instagram. One of the essays dives deep into a witchy interpretation of Patti Smith’s song “Gloria” while the other essay examines searches for truth and belief Jorge Louis Borges’s short story “The Library of Babel”. Clicking this link will take you to this issue of the magazine: https://heyzine.com/flip-book/4795bd8de8.html . And here’s the website for TPR if you’re interested in the magazine generally and what we’re overall up to: https://www.theprairiereview.com/ .

I thank all who are contributing to and supporting arts and writing and all of my fellow artist and writer friends. I’m feeling arts and writing are buzzing with energetic vibrancy at a community level in the United States, and I believe The Prairie Review is an example of that.

Enjoying the present and looking forward to the future!

Best,

—Todd

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For the past six years, I’ve been writing a novel titled Epistolary 1A. The book has gone through many iterations, but at last, I am at a point where I feel very happy and confident about releasing it out into the world. I’ve designed the book and am self-publishing and printing it in physical form. Epistolary 1A will be available to purchase in my Etsy shop (ToddEvansHandmade) at 9am EST on January 8th, 2023. I’ll post a reminder via Substack and Instagram day before release too.

Thank you so much for your support and for following my creative journey. If you’d like a free advance reader’s copy, you’re welcome to contact me via email, Etsy, or Instagram (@toddevansinsta). I have a limited number available and would love to give you one.

Here are photos of Epistolary 1A, the back cover summary, and its first five pages or so to act as preview:

Thanks again and wishing you have a beautiful holiday season,

—Todd

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Thank you to The Prairie Review, Kinga (TPR’s founder and editor), other writers and members of the Chicago Poetry Meetup. The Prairie Review can be found here: https://www.theprairiereview.com

Sincerely,

—Todd

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Throughout my life in varying degrees, art and writing have grabbed hold of me.

Examples of this include but are not limited to when I was in high school jotting down trials and tribulations on loose leaf, or at 21 when I was high as a kite at a friend’s house, drawing an extravagantly detailed waterfall and rock formation, or at 27 when I was writing and recovering from tumultuous mental and emotional turmoil.No matter the setting, creating forms of art has remained an option — a tool for escape, a means for reflection, an avenue towards sitting with, accepting the present moment and making it a more hospitable place for me and others.

During my teenage years and twenties, my artistic practice was mostly confined to writing. My practice has become varied and indefinable since illustrating short stories at University of Louisville and since taking studio art classes at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.

After earning an MFA from the School of the Art Institute, I went on to work full time at a university library where outside of job-related work my artistic production took off.  I stitched.  I glued.  I tore paper, applied paint.  With brush in hand, my fingers danced.  I cut pages from magazines.  Assembled vibrant collages and took pictures.

Every morning after meditating and before eating oatmeal, I journaled and wrote prose poetry.  The paintings and writings stacked up.  I compiled them, made handmade books.  Put them together.  Realized I had multiple standalone works and collages, and I felt confident in my ability to build a living with my art and writing. 

I believed my work would be of benefit to others, possibly numerous others.  I put in notice at my job. Now art and writing is my one full time job, my career, my passion, and something I’m doing to create deep connection with other people, with the Earth and with all of its inhabitants. 

I thank you immensely for visiting my website and devoting time to looking into my work.  But, I also have so many others to thank.  

I, of course, wouldn’t be on this creative path if it weren’t for my family.  Thank you Mom, Dad, Tricia, and Kari.  I love you.

I also thank my cousins, aunts, and uncles, and other family for their love, inspiration, and support. I love you too.

I definitely thank partners and lovers.  Thank you, Kait; I love you.

I owe so much appreciation to countless friends whether those friendships are on going or have evolved into something else.  Thank you Will, Taylor, Paul, Ozzy, Dustin, Woody, Ben, Jenn, Koontz, Krum, Bertke, Emilio, Elise, Nick, Igor, Joe, Emily, members of different groups I’ve been a part of, and all former classmates. 

And I send so much gratitude to former teachers including Alan Farmer, Ms. Watson, Mr. Bornschein, Ms. Hall, Ms. Ingleberry, Lee Martin, Paul Griner, Janet Desaulniers, Ruth Margraff, Beth Nugent, Mary Cross, Matthew Biberman, Tommy Smith, Jeffrey Skinner, Mary Lou Zelazny, Qigu Jiang, Leila Watson, Mai Der Vang, and countless others.

I also thank editors and publishers; Nick Lantz of the Texas Review, JL Jacobs of Abstract Magazine, and Elizabeth McDuffie of Meat for Tea: The Valley Review.

I am eternally grateful to a multitude of individuals for providing great inspiration and guidance for art, writing, and living.

With peace and love,

—Todd

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